Experiences from 'The Flow' (17) - Farang: Further Interpretation. Lopsided Scales.
by Carl "J.C." Pantejo
By Carl "J.C." Pantejo, Copyright March 2008
(Author "My Friend Yu - The Prosperity Mentor," Copyright August 2007. Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing.)
"Prosperity: The eternal flow of all that's good in life..."
*Below is the seventeenth episode in a series of real life events experienced by the author. The only deviations from the truth may be the names of people and places. These stories are also incorporated in "My Friend Yu - the Prosperity Mentor: Book II," Pantejo - Y.N. Vurce Publishing. Release Date: 2008.
In "Experiences from 'The Flow' (16)...," we looked at Neutral Relationships (i.e., when you put the Pluses and Minuses on Your Satisfaction Scale, the scale was balanced).
We discussed why so many people stay in such relationships. Then, we investigated Fear vs. Desire and the futility of trying to change another's basic character.
The final verdict/recommendation?
Neutral Relationships are not worth the time, effort, money, and emotions expended.
In this article, we delve into the first (of the other two) Scale configurations: Blatant Incompatibility.
- Blatant Incompatibility: A "no-brainer"? -
...If the Minuses on Your Satisfaction Scale vastly outnumber the Pluses, the picture is obvious: Gross Incompatibility.
It should be a "no-brainer".
You would think everyone would automatically avoid Incompatible Relationships, or at least exit them immediately when identified; but unfortunately, they don't.
Even the most "sensible" among us can get stuck in an obviously Incompatible Relationship. It becomes a painful, lose/win situation.
How does this happen?
As Dr. Steven Covey says, "Common sense is not always common practice."
- The Specter of Fear -
The fear of loneliness (discussed in "Experiences from 'The Flow' [16]..."), keeps people in Neutral Relationships. This same type of fear (albeit in a larger amount and at a much stronger intensity) locks others into Incompatible Relationships.
Next in line is the fear of Replacement Failure; that is, the fear of failing to replace their current partner.
Many people stay within an Incompatible Relationship because they think the prospects of replacing their partner are bleak - no matter how incompatible their current partner may be.
Of course, this is nonsense! In fact, pure strangers have a better compatibility level than their current Minus-heavy partner.
Nevertheless, people locked into Incompatible Relationships are convinced that "What I've got is the best I can get - ever!"
If this describes you, I urge you to read my article, "Remember Who You Are!" In it, you will see that you are a special individual with unique gifts.
And you deserve to be happy.
- A no-win situation -
I have worked with many fellow Farang (Thai: foreigner) English teachers who are coupled with abusive Thai wives or girlfriends.
These teachers would show up for work with deep scratch marks on their faces, black eyes, and bruises (blatant evidence of a night spent quarrelling with the "little woman").
When asked, they confess that their home-life is akin to a schizophrenic war zone, feeling like they have to walk an emotional tightrope as soon as they enter their own houses.
Many times, they tell me that work is more relaxing than being at home.
Huh? I want to grab them by the shoulders and shout, "Dude! Wake up! That vampire is sucking the life out of you!"
The fights are over the same things, week after week (e.g., money, infidelity, relatives, friends, etc.). No permanent solution is ever reached. No resolutions are made.
And the fight/strained silence/make-up/fight cycle continues.
"It's like listening to a broken record - over and over again," my friend says, looking much like the desperate mouse caught in a mousetrap.
Several of them try to cope by escaping - temporarily. For respite, they flee to the tourist areas and bars of Bangkok. But the foray into what their partners perceive as "Bar Girl/Hooker Heaven" just fuels the fire for the next, inevitable fight.
- The Money Issue...again! -
Even if no shenanigans were committed, the resentment over money "wasted" becomes the central issue.
Veterans of Thailand and Western/Asian relationships will wholeheartedly agree with the following Farang/Thai Money Axiom:
It makes no difference if she has a job or business (or that her only source of money is you), "Her money is her money and your money is her money!"
In a traditional Thai couple setup, a "good husband" forks over his wages to the wife.
Or, if living in someone else's home (e.g., her family's house), the money is given to the eldest for his/her "wise management".
As stated in "Experiences from "The Flow" (10)...," never forget the unyielding rules about Family, and Money:
1. Asians survive mainly through Family connections
2. Logically, if you are not considered "Family," you are not significant to their survival; therefore, not of any vital importance. (I call it the "If you ain't family, you ain't $hi+" rule).
3. To be fully considered "Family," financial support is expected/demanded.
4. Money is not just "money" in Asia; it means EVERYTHING (life/death, love/hate, marriage/bachelorhood, happiness/sadness, etc.)
Because of these conditions, Farang and Thai men alike end up "sheltering" their personal "fun money" from the prying eyes of their partner and partner's family.
That's why it's common to have multiple bank accounts from unrelated financial institutions.
Personally, I have four of them.
- Crime and Punishment -
After a few drinks at a pub (or, heaven forbid, a late day at the office), when a Farang comes home:
It doesn't matter if the Farang did or did not "be a good boy" (i.e., simply relaxed with friends/colleagues, had a Western style meal, enjoyed some drinks and English conversation, etc.), he is guilty until proven innocent as soon as he walks through his front door.
Again, it's a no-win situation.
Finally, after repeatedly being "punished for an uncommitted crime," many Farangs simply decide, "Why not? I might as well do the crime!"
- A Tale of Two Farangs -
Currently, two of my co-workers are deeply embroiled in abusive, Incompatible Relationships.
It is not within the scope of this article to investigate the complex dynamics of chronic abuse/relationship cycles. But suffice it to say that when all is said and done, there are only two options: Stay or Go.
And that's exactly what each one of my co-workers is doing. One is staying and one is going.
- Staying -
The "Staying" one tells me he's "trying to work it out" (meaning: for one reason or another, he thinks he can manage/tolerate the current situation and change the picture of his Scale). In my experience (and statistically), his chances are slim to none.
He and his situation remind me of the following story:
- The Hound on the Porch -
A traveling salesman happens upon a country farm house and decides to sell his wares to the occupants of the home. He walks onto the wooden porch and knocks on the front door.
Before the door opens, the salesman hears the moaning of a hound dog sprawled out on the far end of the porch. It sounds miserable.
The dog appears to be in pain. The poor thing looks pathetic. It doesn't even lift its head while whining.
The door opens and a farmer greets the salesman.
"Hello stranger. What 'cha peddling?" says the farmer.
"Many things that I'd like to show you, but I must ask you something first. I love pets and have two dogs at home. That's why I couldn't help noticing your dog over there. He seems to be in pain. He just lays there, whines, and moans. Is he okay?"
"Oh you mean Sam over there? He's just moaning because he's lying on a couple of nails that stick out of my porch," says the farmer.
"Why doesn't he just move? Is he paralyzed?" says the perplexed salesman.
"Oh, no. He's still a great 'coon huntin' hound dog. Why he ain't movin'? Simple. You see, son, I reckon he ain't hurtin' enough yet," says the farmer.
(Like the hound dog, I guess my friend "ain't hurtin' enough yet".)
Oh well, it's his life.
And as I explained in the last article ("Experiences from 'The Flow' [16]..."), it's a supreme exercise in futility to try to change anyone. Any change in any person must be self-directed.
In my friend's case, sooner or later, something must give.
I predict that when the pain of staying grossly overshadows the effort of going (i.e., "he's hurtin' enough"), he will end the relationship.
But will he learn anything from it? I don't know.
Unfortunately, experts (psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, etc.) will tell you that recidivism (the tendency to return to an abusive relationship or habit) is high among abused boyfriends and girlfriends.
- Going -
The "Going" friend has come to terms with the reality of his situation: an incompatible, abusive relationship that holds no hope in changing for the better.
Additionally, since my friend is a young man with no college degree, he is concerned about the future of his son.
He could work towards beefing up his resume/C.V with a teaching degree and a Thai teaching license. That would surely open the door to much higher paying jobs.
But it would be a huge challenge to attempt a college degree and license on his current English teaching salary.
He doubts that Thailand is the place he wants his child to grow up in.
Staying in Thailand would relegate him and his son to the lifestyle of the Thai middle (to lower) class.
Compared to England, Thailand is minus much of the amenities of modern living. (For examples of the differences in Western vs. Asian standards of living, please see "Experiences from 'The Flow' [7] and [8]).
The Thai Governmental Educational system especially, can not compete with the West for encouraging creative thinking and individual problem-solving.
In Thailand, Private/International schools are very, very expensive (and in my opinion, provide a much lower quality education than Western public schools).
Health insurance is something new among middle-class employees in Thailand.
But my friend's health insurance would be considered primitive by Western standards. I remember him complaining that the birth of his son and subsequent check-ups are eating him alive since they aren't covered by his insurance.
So, if my friend stays in Thailand, public school for his son and emergency-only, low-cost healthcare will be their fate.
Personally, I applaud him. It takes courage to face up to life and do something about it.
So, in less than a week, he is leaving for his home country. Also, unlike many other foreigners who father a child then vanish into thin air, he's doing the loving and honorable thing: He is taking his half-Thai/half-British son with him.
I foresee a much better future for him and his son.
The son will no longer be witness to daily arguments between his parents. He will be surrounded by my friend's family for care and support. And he will benefit from the higher standard of living and education in England.
Likewise, my friend will have a thousand more opportunities open to him in England for success.
Continued in "Experiences from 'The Flow' (18): A Good Tilt with a Bar Girl?" "Until next time, find 'The Flow' and jump in!"
Your Friend in this Intrepid Journey called Life,
Carl "J.C." Pantejo
Farang, Asia, neutral, incompatible, fear, desire, relationship, pluses, minuses, stay, go, satisfaction, scale, needs, desires.
Note: If you want to read more about Asian and Western cultural differences, finding unconditional love, exorcising past personal demons, and the Illusive Secret of Happiness, please read the following articles:
"Experiences from 'The Flow': From Heartbreak to Happiness"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (2): Coincidence or Synchronicity: FROM RELAPSE TO MIRACLES..."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (3): LOST AND FOUND - Kindred Spirits and Mistakes made in Haste."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (4): LOST AND FOUND - Meant to Be?"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (5): "The Stray"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (6): "New Beginnings, Old Endings"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (7) - Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Myth"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (8) Living Well? Farangs and Finance: The Reality, Stupidity, and Hard Knocks."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (9): New Girlfriend, New Life."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (10): Farangs and Asians - Polarized Views."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (11) - Farangs: In (or considering) a long-term Western/Asian Relationship? Read This Now!
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (12) - Farang: Square Peg, Round Hole? Compatibility Issues."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (13) - Farang: Compatibility Issues II"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (14) - Farang: Tipping the Scales. Good or Bad?"
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (15) - Farang: Interpretation of Your Results."
"Experiences from 'The Flow' (16) - Farang: Make Your Scale Sway or Walk Away."
"How Dare She! Out of Desperation I Learned How to Forgive"
"Remember Who You Are!"
"Need to Heal Your Broken Heart? Read on. Overcome Heartbreak and Learn the Illusive Secret of Happiness." (By Carl "J.C." Pantejo and published internet-wide, keyword: [title of article] or "Carl Pantejo")
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com
About the Author
He is a retired U.S. Military veteran. Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an A.A., B.S., and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life - while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic. In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he free-fall parachuted out of airplanes and performed diving ops in very deep, open ocean water.
Pantejo@ynvurcepublishing.com http://www.ynvurcepublishing.com
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